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One of my new year's resolutions is to get more exercise. But I have to admit, I haven't had much success in keeping it. I think I know why judging from this humorous but uncredited piece I received in my email. Clearly my problem is the lack of the right kind of motivation....

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with
blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today.. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a
whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying...

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me
on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other s*** too.
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long
to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
broad to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which
I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my
planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God
had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!"

Original Post by THE BEADING GEM
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